Christmas tensions aren’t just tradition – they’re human. The ‘Find Your Pearl’ tool shows you how to turn friction into moments of real understanding.
At London Speech Workshop, we often say that the real conversations live underneath the words. That’s why, when the turkey’s cooling and the room’s getting hotter, it might not be about the gravy at all.
Picture this…
It was Christmas Eve.
The table was beautifully set, the turkey was resting, and the house hummed with anticipation.
That’s when it started.
“You’re carving the turkey all wrong,” Uncle David muttered, not quite under his breath.
“Well, maybe if someone helped with dinner once in a while,” shot back Aunt Elaine.
Cue the awkward silence, followed by the sound of someone fiddling too noisily with the gravy boat.
Sound familiar?
Despite all our best intentions – connection, joy, harmony – the festive season can bring with it a healthy dose of stress, old patterns, and conversations that derail.
Let’s explore why that happens – and what you can do to shift it.
Why Christmas Conversations Go Awry
According to psychologists and experts, Christmas can create a perfect storm of emotional triggers. Here’s why:
- High expectations We go into the holidays wanting it all to be “just right” – the food, the vibes, the togetherness. But as Dr. Margaret Wehrenberg writes in Holiday Depression and Loss in Psychology Today, unmet expectations can become a major source of anxiety and irritation.
- Emotional history As Dr. Joshua Coleman points out in Parents Are Not All Good and All Bad podcast, holidays have a way of resurrecting past roles and unresolved tension. We slip back into old dynamics – even if we’ve outgrown them.
- Stress and overstimulation Hosting, travelling, buying gifts, socialising – it’s a lot. According to the Mental Health Foundation’s (UK) report Staying well at Christmas, Christmas can heighten stress due to financial strain, social demands, and disrupted routines. When we’re tired and stretched, communication suffers.
- Alcohol & fatigue According to the NHS, alcohol lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment, making emotional reactions more volatile. Add a bit of sleep deprivation, and even a small comment can tip into a full-blown argument.
In other words, it’s not just you. And it’s not just them. It’s human.
So… How Do You Find Your Pearl?
When we don’t quite know what’s wrong – or how to ask – Find Your Pearl from the Navigating Conflict course in the Serlin Method, helps us dig beneath the surface to uncover the truth beneath the tension.
It’s perfect for those moments when someone says “I’m fine” (but clearly isn’t), or when something seemingly small feels unexpectedly heavy.
Find Your Pearl: A Four-Step Tool for Real Understanding
This method gives you a way into emotionally charged moments – with curiosity, care, and calm.
1. Start with open questions.
Use “what,” “how,” “why,” or “who” to invite reflection.
“What’s been going on for you today?”
“How did that land with you?”
2. Let their answer guide your next question.
One of our golden rules:
“Let the person’s answer be the mother of your next question.”
3. Resist the urge to fix, solve, or defend.
Your goal isn’t to be right – it’s to understand. Stay with their experience.
4. Keep going until you feel a shift.
That moment when the tension softens and the real emotion surfaces?
That’s the pearl.
What Happens When You Find the Pearl?
Something powerful.
When people feel genuinely heard, three things happen:
- Tension diffuses. You interrupt the escalation before it spirals.
- Empathy increases. You shift from judgment to understanding.
- Connection deepens. You remind them, and yourself, that the relationship matters more than being “right.”
And the best part? It’s contagious. Others will start to mirror your calm curiosity too.
Christmas in Practice: Back to the Turkey…
Let’s revisit Aunt Elaine and Uncle David.
Instead of snapping back, imagine what’s said is:
“Elaine, I got the sense that really landed hard. What’s going on for you?”
She takes a breath, surprised by the space to speak.
“I’ve cooked Christmas dinner every year for the past ten years,” she says, voice tight. “No one ever asks if I need help. I guess I just wanted someone to see how much I put in.”
And just like that, the energy shifts.
It’s not about the turkey. It’s about feeling unseen. Unappreciated.
That moment of truth? That’s the pearl.
This Christmas, Choose Curiosity Over Conflict
So if things get tense, remember:
Pause.
Ask.
Listen.
Look for the pearl. Because underneath every flare-up, there’s a deeper truth longing to be seen.
And the gift of being truly understood might just be the most meaningful present you give this year.
Want To Go Deeper?
Conflict can show up in many areas of life, whether it’s a tense conversation around the Christmas dinner table, a simmering disagreement in day-to-day relationships, or a challenging moment at work. Wherever it appears, unresolved conflict can drain energy, damage connection, and leave everyone feeling unheard.
If you’re ready to learn how to turn tough conversations into transformational ones, for yourself or your team, our Navigating Conflict course course is designed to help. Grounded in the Serlin Method™, this course offers practical, empowering tools to help you handle conflict with clarity, compassion, and confidence.
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